Many couples in the lifestyle are seeking the mythical Unicorn and I had the opportunity to interview one, to ask all the questions that have always made me wonder. I wanted to look at this from her side of things, not because I felt unicorns are under appreciated, but instead to understand what a unicorn’s needs and concerns are. I believe that when we understand what the dynamic is, or even can be, then we are able to adapt and have better experiences that lead to more play time connections. I am going to refer to my guest as ROCH to conceal her identity, so let’s jump in.
TAC – Can a single be a swinger?
ROCH – I want to say no – it’s a couple’s thing.
TAC – Why do you say no?
ROCH – Not a swinger because no one is looking out for her, no one has her back.
TAC – Would you agree that a swinger is involved in the swinger culture?
ROCH – Yes, definitely involved in swinging, but not exactly a swinger if that makes sense.
TAC – Do you have rules as a single?
ROCH – No kissing the male. No anal. No Kink without trust.
TAC – What do you dislike about being a single in the swinger culture?
ROCH – Rules! Couples expect the single to obey and enforce their rules and then blame her if things go wrong. No one has the singles back. The whole experience is overwhelming the first couple of times trying to figure out the dynamic of things. Also hard because there is no one to redirect actions if things are getting uncomfortable.
TAC – What do you like the most?
ROCH – Being bisexual I feel more comfortable being with a couple than a random guy and girl in a threesome.
TAC – What are your concerns for play?
ROCH – Well I like kink, so I am always concerned about people respecting my safe words. I am concerned about visible marks left outside of the cover of clothes from play. And I am always concerned about STD [ and STI].
TAC – How do you feel after play? Couples usually have reconnect sex, what do you do?
ROCH – Well I do not ever have romance with a couple after sex. I do day dream and relive the event. I am not a person that masturbates though, so I do not use it for sexual gratification.
TAC – Do you feel that it is easy or hard to find play partners?
ROCH – I would say that for me it is hard because I am quite young, and the lifestyle is predominantly older than me. It is hard for me to have an attraction to people that act old, age being defined by their level of activity and openness to me. ROCH is 28 and feels that the average age is 40 and up.
TAC – Do you drink alcohol when on a playdate with couples?
ROCH – Yes but I think I drink in moderation.
TAC – Do you attend swinger parties alone?
ROCH – I have not yet. I think that I would be more on guard and cautious, but I don’t think it would be overwhelming to walk into a room alone. Chatting in kik groups before hand would make it easier also.
TAC – Do you ever partner up with a single male to attend swinger functions or to go on playdates?
ROCH – I have never done that, I would consider that if they were already in the lifestyle and knew what they were doing, but not as a way to bring in a new person.
TAC – How do you participate in the lifestyle?
ROCH – I play with married friends that I have learned were swingers. I use Tinder, kik and adult personal sites to make connections that lead to dates.
TAC – Do you have any suggestions for singles in the lifestyle or thinking of participating?
ROCH – Pictures of sex and of the people involved should be talked about in advance. Stand your ground on your limits. If a couple breaks one of their rules that is their fault not yours. If a line gets crossed that you were unaware of it’s ok, just learn from it. There will be good and bad experiences so don’t let one bad experience drive you away from the lifestyle. It is OK to be picky and take your time.
TAC – Any advice for couples looking for a unicorn?
ROCH – First I would suggest that you build on other couple’s successes. If they had a good experience with someone start there. Next, I would suggest that all initial communication involve all three people so no issues get started. Make sure you respect your own boundaries – in my experience the males are willing to do things with me their wives would not approve of. Last make sure that you respect the single’s boundaries. Trust is huge, and I don’t trust people that can’t respect my boundaries.
TAC – My last question is more just about you, are you seeking a primary relationship with someone? And what will you look for someone that is involved in the lifestyle?
ROCH – I am always looking for a relationship. I haven’t even considered the lifestyle when looking for a relationship.
As a follow up ROCH has found a primary relationship with a guy that is not involved in the lifestyle. She has suspended her lifestyle relationships, activities, and accounts. She is committed to making this relationship work, and we wish her well. I did ask if she finds it hard to hide this part of herself in order to promote a new relationship, her reply was yes because I like it. Of course, I followed that up with then why do you seek out people who are not involved in alternative lifestyles, her reply was because that is not a primary criteria for what I am looking for in life. Looking at this from a couple’s point of view I get wanting to be involved with someone. I understand that this is recreational and not the main goal for finding a lifelong partner. My take is that we all should be honest about who we are with ourselves so that we can find the best suited mate in life. The open communication that my spouse and I enjoy and that allows us to be in the lifestyle would not have been possible if either of us were hiding our desires to be involved, in fact it would have felt like a lie and sabotaged the whole thing for us.