This is an interview that I conducted with a married man about being a bisexual male in the lifestyle. It has been my belief that being a bisexual woman is OK, while being a bisexual man is not as accepted. I am starting to see a few more males identify as bicomfortable and bisexual on the intake survey for our club, but the overall majority marks down straight. I have been at meet and greets where we used colored stickers to let others know what we were looking for and seen guys pause and consider other choices, but then default to straight. At the time I thought this was to be accepted. I wanted to understand being bi in the lifestyle from a bisexual male’s point of view, and to give bi males some exposure. I am going to refer to my guest as JAX because this blog is open to the public, and I do not want to risk his identity being compromised.
TAC - OK so let’s start with what is your definition of being Bi?
JAX – Bisexual to me is being comfortable and turned on by both sexes. No so much wanting to be in a relationship with either [one or the other].
TAC – Could you be involved with a man without a woman being involved?
JAX – Yes. Sexually anyway. Like I said not in a relationship.
TAC – Do you have any boundaries for sex with a man?
JAX – Mostly role boundaries. I am a top. I do not receive anal but will give to another man. And just like with anyone [else], if I’m not really attracted to a person I refrain from kissing.
TAC – Why do you only top?
JAX – Not interested or aroused by anal penetration to me.
TAC – Do you give and receive oral with other men?
JAX – Yes
TAC – Do you feel that there are any hazards that sex with bisexual men presents that are not there with women? STI/STD, violence, social status etc.?
JAX I feel that there are the same hazards regardless of which gender you become intimate with.
TAC – The perceived danger and statistics for bisexual and gay men having a higher occurrence of HIV does not bother you?
JAX – I’ve been with plenty [of men] and I don’t have HIV. There is still the matter of keeping yourself safe regardless of who you are hooking up with. Safe sex is safe sex. If one chooses not to protect themselves then their chances of catching something unwanted increase exponentially.
TAC – Are you open about being bi?
JAX – Within the lifestyle community. Not in my social life.
TAC – How long have you been bi?
JAX – I have been hit on dudes my whole life. Never really thought about it much. I first experimented about eight years ago. Found out I liked it, so I continued.
TAC – What aspect of sex with a man do you enjoy the most?
JAX – Mutual oral. I used to not get oral from [my wife] so I made my way to guys. It’s what led me to experiment. Found out I like giving it as much as receiving it.
TAC – Do you use condoms for oral and penetration?
JAX – Not for oral. Penetration yes.
TAC – Will you swallow?
JAX – Yes
TAC – Can you explain the rationale of how you are safe taking in fluid orally and not analy
JAX – It’s not. Just a preference regarding the act. No one is ever 100% safe.
TAC – My wife and I often question ourselves about the use, or lack of use, of condoms and dental dams for oral.
JAX – I don’t just hop in bed with anyone without knowing a little bit about them. Some people get tested all the time and I like to trust that. I also get tested and vaccinated through [my employer] for an ungodly amount of diseases. So, the fact that I haven’t and do not now have any STD to me tells me that I have made the right choices.
TAC – Do you feel that there is a double standard for bisexual women and men in the lifestyle?
JAX – A little. It’s more widely accepted of women. Almost everyone finds that attractive. For us [bisexual] guys it’s not something that is glorified so much as [it is] frowned upon. The world is changing to better that, it’s becoming more the norm.
TAC – Do couples turn you down because you are bi?
JAX – Yes. Some people are still under the impression that if someone is bi that they can’t have fun with a straight couple. Mostly [it’s] homophobia. If someone doesn’t want [to play with] me that’s cool. I can separate that part of play. I am not going to obsess over [it] or try and force myself on another guy if he is not interested.
TAC – Do you think more guys are OK with it, but would never engage with you because of a fear of someone finding out?
JAX – Absolutely. Like I said before, people within the lifestyle know that I am bi. But I would not broadcast that socially. Unless you are in the lifestyle and I want people to know that I’m bi. It’s no one else’s business [but] my own.
TAC – In your opinion, what percentage of straight men are bicurious?
JAX – I would say at least half. But fear of shame keeps them from voicing. People are still bigots and assholes.
TAC – I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me and appreciate your openness and honesty. I admit that some of your answers were not what I would have guessed they would be.
In follow up I was talking to a bisexual female at a lifestyle party about this interview and she made the statement that she has ran into several women that are bi but would not play with a bi male. I asked JAX if he has experienced this and he said it had not been his experience. He did say that as a couple he and his wife get more attention on swinger mingle sites if they say he is straight on their profile.
I think the lifestyle is pretty open minded, but I do see a double standard here. I try to be an open minded as an individual as well, but I cannot remember playing in a situation that included a male who I knew to be bisexual. I honestly do not know if I have avoided bi men subconsciously or if I just have not come across a couple we were interested in that had a bi male. I would hope that I could be open minded and accepting enough, but to date we have never included a bi male.