Social media etiquette for swingers, and other non-monogamous lifestyles.


The internet and social media have been a population explosion for non-monogamous lifestyle communities.  As with any media there is generally accepted etiquette, here is our take on the swinger version for kik, Facebook and other social media:

  1. Know the Group Rules:  Read the rules if they are posted, if they are not then ask what the rules are.

  2. Follow the Golden Rule: “Treat others like you would want to be treated”, or better if your standards are low.

  3. Introductions:  Always make an introduction.  If you join a group it is a good idea to say hello to the group and tell them a little about yourself… a little, not your life story.  If you are a part of a group and someone new joins take the time to say hello.   

  4. Be active in the group. A good rule is to at least check in every couple of days or more if you can. No one appreciates a lurker or absent member.  Being active has the benefit of keeping you on peoples mind and making that connection.

  5. Oversharing:  Sharing too much all at once burns people out on you. Others like to shine as well and you eventually run out of material.  It is easy to be over eager and get caught up in the moment, try to hold on to some of the details and keep something in the reserves that keeps people interested in you. 

  6. Polarizing Topics:  Religion, politics, sports, and any other topic that causes heated discussions are best left out of lifestyle conversations – ANYWHERE.

  7. Discretion: Keep your bedroom details out of the conversation, or at least have some discretion.  If you are lucky enough to make a connection in the group it is advised that you don’t call it out in the group.

    1. Your play partner(s) may not want the entire group to know who they are playing with.  If you do share that you were with someone make sure that you have their permission before disclosing this.

    2. You may be turning off future play partners who are not attracted to the play partner(s) you are posting about. This could keep you from making a future connection.

    3. Some people keep count and may think your score card is too full for their liking.  Making ourselves look too slutty can be a turn off – this can even be assumed by others based on inside jokes and kidding.  People judge you and decide who you are for themselves based on what you give them… the jury is still out.

    4. Too much bragging makes you look full of it.  People start to wonder if you are truthful, even if you are.  I am often reminded of the 25 year old new employee with 30 years of experience.

  8. Facebook friends:  If you get invited to join a secret Facebook page keep in mind that people may not have two accounts.  Often the Facebook account that they are using is the same one their family, friends and coworkers see.  DO NOT be making lifestyle comments on other member’s page.  Should you like someone well enough to want to friend them on Facebook, keep in mind that they may decline because they do not want to explain who you are to family… it may not be anything that you have done or that they do not like you

  9. Be self-centered in small doses:  You may be extremely successful and have the coolest collection of whatever the group is talking about, but no one wants you to keep reminding them of it.   You don’t need to be an expert on every subject to be liked. 

  10. Debbie downer:  We all have bad days, someone is mad at us, or we are mad at them – life happens.  The best advice here is do not go into a group full of people talking sexy to complain about life and drag them down with you.  Stay off of lifestyle social media and reach out to your non-lifestyle (vanillia) friends.    

  11. Changed your mind:  Let’s be honest, this lifestyle is not for everyone.  Here is a good strategy for exiting a group and not causing drama or dealing with everyone wondering what happened:

    1. Offer a simple message about why you are exiting.  “We are moving out of state and we wish everyone the best of luck, and thank you for having us.”  This keeps the door open should your situation change.

    2. If a problem does exist, reach out to an admin.  Not only does it let them know why you are leaving but alerts them to a possible situation that they may be unaware of and could help others as well.

    3. Your actions affect others.  When people don’t have an answer they think answers up, often these thought up answers are worse than the truth.  This lifestyle is about making positive connections, be respectful and leave on a good note.

  12. Don’t be nosey:  If someone has drama going on in the group and it doesn’t affect you, stay out of it.  You often add fuel to a fire by involving yourself and it usually blows back on you.

  13. Sense of Humor:  It is a good idea to keep in mind that not everyone shares your exact sense of humor.  What you intend as a joke may come off as offensive to some.  Until you get a solid feel for others it is wise to play back a little and see what the feel of the group is. Also make it clear that you are joking when you are. 

  14. Personality:  Much like sense of humor, not everyone shares your personality and background.  Give people some room to be themselves and have an open mind.

  15. Others Privacy and Boundaries:  This is a touchy subject for some, as some people want to be VERY discrete about their involvement in the lifestyle.  Some good pointers for respecting the privacy and boundaries of others are

    1. Ask before you Private Message, or at minimum ask what the group’s policy is on this issue.

    2. Ask before you share someone’s details.  A private person could get upset at any detail that you share without their consent, its best to ask before you do share.

    3. Ask before you add someone to a group, even if the group is new and you think they would want to join.  We have heard tons of complaints on this one, the biggest being I don’t know most these people and didn’t want to join. 

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